Tedtalks: SEX!
Several years ago, I was delivering stacks of Senior News in Arcata and as I approached the doors of a senior apartment building, a man on a bench waved at me.
“Hi!” I said. “Want a copy of the paper?” “Is there any sex in it?” he asked. None in that issue, but he might find some in this month’s edition, which focuses on sex and intimacy as we age. We thought about running this in huge bold type across the front page:
But this isn’t about titillation — this is “An Intimate Conversation” on some of the issues that we all confront, teenagers or grandparents. Intimacy and sexuality are just as important to many of us in our 70s (like me) as they ever were — maybe more — even if the expectations have changed. We might be getting old, but we’re not dead yet, and a simple hug goes a long way to connect with other human beings, perhaps especially as isolation takes its toll on people who don’t get out as much as they used to.
A few weeks ago, I came across a handwritten sign on the bulletin board at Murphy’s. “WIFE WANTED” it said. “WMA, 70, active, wishes to meet WFA who is kind, considerate, sincere … .” It might have been some kind of masher, but this “widower, homeowner, clean, quite kind, witty, intelligent 5th generation Humboldt” man shared his PO box and offered dinner. Seemed a novel approach.
We all want and need affection and connection to others, in whatever varied forms seem comfortable as we go through life. John Heckel expressed this as powerfully as I’ve heard in recounting a conversation in his caregivers group: “I just want a hug,” he said, to the others’ assent. See page 1.
As a widower in his 70s, Mark Lamers wondered if he could or would find an intimate relationship again. “But what I am learning is that, in fact, it is true that some things can get better as one gets older” (page 9).
Judy Sears acknowledges that finding that new relationship — a hug or the sip of a kiss — can be a challenge, but “I still believe in being dazzled” (page 3).
And psychologist Melinda Myers says, “To be truly intimate means showing up as your authentic self — ‘warts and all’” as she outlines the Four Foundations of Lasting Intimacy (page 4).
It’s an evolutionary process, as Kristy Hellum knows as director of a new production of “The Vagina Monologues” for Valentine’s Day, 25 years after she staged that shocking show for the first time in Humboldt in 2001. Like intimacy after a certain age, the show is “not a nostalgic revival,” she says. “It’s a response to this moment, a celebration of resilience” (page 18).
Here’s wishing us all a long and resilient life.
••• EDITOR’S NOTE: In observance of National Reading Month, next month’s Senior News will focus on reading, writing, books and all things wordish. In April, let’s get funny. And in May, we again tackle health care in Humboldt. To weigh in on these topics, please email tpease@humsenior.org.
Ted Pease is editor of Senior News.
