Sharing Heckel’s Grief
To the Editor:
Hello John. You don’t know me, but I feel I know you a bit from following your columns in the Senior News for many months. I appreciate your honesty in describing your life and challenges with your wife, Janet. How difficult it must be to balance all the emotions after saying your last goodbye.
You talk about anticipatory grief [“After Janet,” February Senior News, page 10]. I only experienced that with my elderly parents, never a spouse. Two years ago, after a morning of chasing our 2-year-old granddaughter around her house, my husband said he was in the mood for chocolate. We stopped at the store and he dropped dead of a heart attack, next to his beloved candy aisle. So, I was suddenly drowning in active grief, and I am still learning how to deal with that.
I don’t mean to suggest grief is a competition. We all have our own stories and journeys. But your latest column resonated with me because the longing for a hug (and a conversation) is so constant. My friends mean well, but you’ve reminded me that I need to remind them what I need — a hug, an embrace that lasts more than two seconds. And to give me the time to talk about my 45-year relationship, rather than awkwardly switching topics. I’ve found that professional massages, though not the same as intimacy, does help me fulfill my need for human touch.
I wish you well in navigating this new phase or your life, and thank you again for sharing what many of us keep hidden.
Mary Ann Madej, Arcata
