I’ll Go on a Diet Tomorrow, Gotta Eat Today!

An old Homer and Jethro song goes like this: I’ll go on a diet tomorrow/I’ll skimp until I waste away/ I’ll go on a diet tomorrow/But I gotta eat today.

For the past couple of years, I’ve effectively been on a diet, but not one I chose. In my old age, I’ve developed a health issue or two … or six … and each one seems to come with a new food that I can’t have.

Heart: no salt! There go my potato chips. No fried chicken!?

Arthritis: no processed sugars! No cake, cookies or ice cream?

Kidneys: no high-potassium foods like potatoes!

Oh, no, not French fries!

Eyesight: no white bread or pasta — linked to age-related macular degeneration. Does that include hot dog buns?

Teeth: no candy or soda! I can’t even go there. And no red meat! Does a well-done steak count as red meat if there’s no pink inside?

That eliminates every food group that I exist on — Coke, cake, candy, ice cream and potato chips. Is there a very short list of what I can eat? Lettuce, cardboard and string (in moderation).

My wife and I have decided that when we turn 80, we’re going to eat as much of whatever we want whenever we want. If the good Lord didn’t want us to eat, he wouldn’t have invented food. What could happen? Shorter lifespan? I’ll be 80!

A doctor told me once not to get carried away. I can still have fast food on the rare occasion. I figure that means as many hamburgers and fries as I like as long as I eat them fast. Shovel in that fat, carbs, salt …!

Note: any medical advice contained herein is for entertainment purposes only. I’m not a doctor; I don’t even play one on TV. Ask your doctor what you can eat.

John Meyers, 77, has been eating food since he was a child.