Sexual Evolution & the Man with a Slow Hand

When British poet laureate John Betjeman was asked what he regretted not long before he died at 77 in 1984, he supposedly replied that he wished he’d had more sex.

In our 50s… Despite children and work and moving forward with still strong sexual attraction, we always found time for lovemaking. And more good news — lovemaking became more spontaneous after the last child moved out of the house!

Sex had already become more enjoyable in our 40s after a visit to Dr. Snip (a vasectomy). Monogamous and no longer needing birth control, we had no fears of pregnancy and a “menopause baby.”

But then, for a year or two, I began waking up next to my wife’s hot, sweaty body — in menopause, she had no interest in making love after the onset of night sweats, mood swings and changes in libido. Thankfully, those challenges passed with time.

In our 60s… Her body began changing … even larger breasts. My body began changing too … a bigger belly. Our body images no longer matched up well with reality. But dimming the lights helped. We struggled and worked on learning to make suggestions on how to improve too-familiar methods of making love with each other.

In our 70s… My wife began communicating about physical changes, including dryness and discomfort before, during and after lovemaking and how they negatively affected her interest and spontaneity. I listened, listened some more, and waited for her advice on what to do.

Lube became our friend in foreplay and an assist with vaginal dryness and discomfort. She now preferred a schedule and, while I was just grateful for parts of me that still worked, making love on a schedule was no longer as much fun and sometimes seemed like a chore. And I was frustrated by cancellations.

It’s been said that once you start scheduling sex, you’re doomed. But then I read this great advice from Jodie Slee, a sex therapist, in the Guardian — “The secrets of a great sex life: how to keep the flame alive in the bedroom” by Zoe Williams. Slee said, “If you reframe it, you’re not scheduling, you’re prioritizing, and you’re showing one another that it’s important.”

Given our decades-long relationship, I found comfort in Slee’s comment about scheduling: “Your desire is more responsive than it is spontaneous; so if you’re waiting for the mood to spontaneously take you, you could be waiting a really long time.” Planning for sex also “stops the pressure of ‘Oh, my God, it’s been two weeks, it’s been three weeks.’ The more pressure there is, the more anxiety there is, the less likely it is to happen.”

In our 80s… Our only suggestions for others in any decade: Work on being tactile, with hugs, kisses, touching and massage moments throughout the house 24/7, not just in the bedroom. We also find comfort and guidance, regardless of how well some of our parts work, in this 1980s Pointer Sisters (and Conway Twitty) hit:

I want a man with a slow hand

I want a lover with an easy touch

I want somebody who will spend some time

Not come and go in a heated rush

I want somebody who will understand

When it comes to love, I want a slow hand.

Editor’s Note: Senior News normally does not accept anonymous submissions except in special circumstances to protect privacy, as in this case.