AGING IS AN ART: Men Should Share
The title of my Ph.D. dissertation is “Transgressive Gender Performance — An Act of Personal and Cultural Transformation” (2013). The idea behind the research was that if I could get a group of heterosexual men to experience gender as something they do (perform) and not something they were, then they would be more likely to alter the way they did being a man. The operative word here is experience — not think, not conceptualize about, but actually to experience.
How successful I was is still open for debate.
The men and the experiences I had with them did, however, solidify my contention that gender — in our case, being a man — is a performance, something we constantly rehearse and something for which we often rewrite the script.
The aging process mandates continuous rewrites of what it means to do “being a man.”
While carepartnering during my wife, Janet’s, death and dying journey, I have been confronted with intense moments of sadness and exhilarating moments of joy. All moments of profound transformation, many of which made me proud of how I do being an aging man.
Not all, but most. Very palpable moments of joy have been triggered by the outpouring of support and affection from the Senior News community. Readers have sent in letters of support and encouragement, letters that share real insight and understanding about the grieving process, letters from readers sharing their own caregiver stories, sharing the depth of their own grief.
Up to a point, all letters were from women. Where were the men?
Then an exhilarating moment of joy, as a man, Charles Chamberlin wrote: “I am still working on learning how to live alone and discovering who I am without Susan. At present I feel like that process will never end. Thank you for having the courage to write what you did. I was crying again by the time I finished it, but it was good.” (See full letter on page 20.)
As aging men, we need to come fully to terms with the fact that we may outlive our partners, that we may spend a considerable amount of our later years being that all-involved carepartner. We will need support. We will need support from each other, not just from women.
We need to know that, as men, we can muster the vulnerability to speak out, to share and support each other. Let’s take guidance and inspiration from Charles, and find ways to share the tears of grief with each other.
John Heckel, Ph.D., is a retired HSU theatre and film professor with a doctorate in psychology, and a member of the Senior News Community Advisory Council.
After a lengthy illness, his wife, Janet Patterson, took prescribed end-of-life meds and died on Dec. 15. Contact: jh2@humboldt.edu.
