So, You Want To Be a Writer

Don’t be discouraged, but writing is hard.

You can spend hours in front of your computer searching for just the right words to make your story come alive. You’re an artiste creating a masterpiece. The descriptive energy is flowing, but then ….

Sometimes, word selection can be tricky. If you’re like me, your computer likes to offer suggestions when you’re writing. The other day while working on one of my books, I wrote a line that started, “I’m sorry if this is inconvenient for you…” and the computer suggested that I use the word “incontinent” instead of “inconvenient.” Seriously?

Actually, I thought it was funnier that way, so I used it.

Punctuation can be confusing. Don’t even, get me started, as to when, to use, commas. I like, commas. It has been suggested, that I use, too many. Well, I’m sorry if that’s incontinent for you.

Fortunately, I was a good student in my high school English classes, so spieling isn’t a problem for me.

Is there anybody out there who remembers how to diagram a sentence? Do you remember why you were taught to diagram a sentence? Or when was the last time you did it? “Yeah, boss, I’ll have that report done as soon as I finish diagramming it.”

For those of you who have forgotten, if there’s a direct object, place it to the right of the verb, connected by a horizontal line.

For predicate adjectives or modifiers, position them on slanted lines beneath the verb or subject as appropriate. “Think before you speak. Read before you think.”

For a modified object predicated by a dangling popsicle, draw a line through it and start over.

Don’t worry about the difference between colons, semi-colons and dashes. Nobody else knows either.

Lastly, be aware that it’s very difficult to make money as a writer. Fortunately, I’ve found a system that works for me. I set up a small tent outside of our house and stand in front launching into my spiel: “Hey-ya, hey- ya, hey-ya! If you’re quick enough, smart enough, alert enough, but mostly fast enough to get in line right now, in front of the ticket clerk, you and your party will enter not at the usual admission price of six dollars, but for the next few minutes and the next few minutes only, everybody — I said EVERYBODY — gets in for a child’s half-price ticket to see the amazing writer at work!”

Last year, I made two dollars and fifty cents this way. It wasn’t even enough to warrant a WD-40 tax form.

John Meyers, 77, writes for Senior News for NOTHING at his home in Trinidad.