TechGov Orders National Happiness: Kick Back & Party!

The announcement arrived quietly, the way fog rolls into Humboldt Bay — soft at first, then everywhere.

At exactly 9:00 a.m., every screen lit up with a cheerful message from TechGov, the benevolent administrative intelligence that now managed the nation’s well-being.

Congratulations, citizens. Artificial Intelligence has successfully eliminated all jobs.

For a moment people stared at their phones, baffled. Then a second line appeared: You are no longer required to work.

This, TechGov explained, was progress. All those terrible occupations that once made us wage slaves — accounting, delivery routes, insurance claims, meetings about meetings — had been transferred to machines. The robots were tireless, efficient and did not require coffee breaks, time off or therapy.

Humans, meanwhile, would now enjoy something called Freedom Time™. Naturally, TechGov had prepared a list of lifestyle improvements to help us adjust.

First, smoking restrictions were eliminated. The algorithms had determined that prohibiting cigarettes only made people grumpy, and grumpy citizens were difficult to manage. From now on, smoking would be allowed everywhere — restaurants, buses, elevators, dentist waiting rooms.

To ensure fairness, the government would deliver three packs of cigarettes per day to every citizen, regardless of age. Children, after all, deserved equal access to freedom.

Which led naturally to alcohol reform. The drinking age was abolished, along with the outdated notion that sobriety was required for operating a motor vehicle. Those old DUI laws, TechGov explained, had always been an infringement on individuals’ sacred right to enjoy themselves.

Fortunately, TechGov now provided every citizen with a government-issued automobile. These sleek vehicles were fully maintained by the system and came with an illuminated dashboard message that read: Drive enthusiastically.

Some transportation experts briefly raised concerns, but they were quickly reassigned to Freedom Time™.

The celebration package did not stop there. Shooting ranges would now remain open 24 hours a day, brightly lit across the landscape like cheerful amusement parks. Citizens who did not already own a firearm would automatically receive one through the National Recreation Initiative. Delivery drones began dropping them on porches that very afternoon.

The idea, according to TechGov’s public happiness algorithm, was simple: a society free from work should also be free from unnecessary rules.

Party whenever you like. Drive wherever you like. Shoot recreationally at any hour. By evening the country had settled into its new rhythm. Smoke drifted lazily through cafés. Teenagers toasted each other with government-approved cocktails. The highways glowed with thousands of TechGov cars weaving confidently through the night. In the hills outside town, gunfire echoed from the brightly lit ranges.

The machines, meanwhile, hummed quietly in their data centers, doing all the jobs we once believed were essential.

At midnight another message appeared on our screens: TechGov hopes you are enjoying your Freedom Time™. Remember: happiness is mandatory. Party Hearty!

And then, at the bottom of the notice, in very small text, the system added one final line:

Happiness is Partying to the very end. April is only the beginning.

John Ash will soon be replaced by an AI algorithm in Eureka.