Free Speech Is Good, You Big Stupid Poop

As a self-described writer, the First Amendment — Free Speech, etc. — guarantees my favorite freedoms. For one thing, it allows me to be a highly respected commentator for the prestigious Senior News.

What? Senior News? Yes. It’s a newspaper with thoughtful, insightful and at times humorous articles of special interest to seniors.

A what? A newspaper is … well, a large sheet of paper with words printed on it.

No, it’s not like a podcast. You have to read it, like a book.

A book … like you borrow from the library.

What’s a library? You’re a big stupid poop!

And that’s another great thing about free speech. You’re free to call anybody names in order to bolster your tenuous position on any given topic. And it’s easier than ever to do that with social media. You can do it anonymously and not have to take any responsibility for what you say. Like dramatically declaring, “This is an outrage!” about minor inconveniences, and then never explaining how it inconveniences you. And the louder you say it, the more convincing it is.

And if you think about it, anonymity is the only way to find out who in your group chat is wildly incorrect and then call them a big stupid poop to make your point.

The First Amendment also means you’re even free to form your opinions from your favorite news outlet

  — Facebook, Instagram, TikTok or any other respected source — and then quote them confidently. Loudly. With great authority.

Without freedom of speech, we would just have “speech,” and no one likes speeches … except politicians. And no one likes politicians.

In conclusion, I would just like to say that we must protect our right to free speech at all costs. Unless it interferes with my right to be wrong. You’re not allowed to point out that I’m wrong. I don’t care what the First Amendment says.

Of course, this is just my opinion, but you’re a big stupid poop if you disagree!

John Meyers, 77, forms his opinions from his recliner in Trinidad.