AGING IS AN ART: There Is Only Us
While writing my doctoral dissertation, “Transgressive Gender Performance — An Act of Personal and Cultural Transformation,” I speculated that gender was the last stubborn holdout of binary thinking, and that we were on the cusp of a paradigm shift.
Recent events, including the death of my wife, Janet, have proved that speculation wrong. I am now convinced it is the us-versus-them binary that is the last vestige of either/or thinking. The gender binary is like the guardian of the cave. Inside that cave is the dragon of us-versus-them thinking. We need to slay the guardian to get the privilege of confronting the dragon.
Janet’s death and my experience of aging have taught me that the us-versus-them binary comes in many guises. Aging is a continuous struggle with both the various versions of us-versus-them thinking and the inherent backlash to every lived transgression of that binary.
Take the us-versus-them thinking about our confrontation with dependency and independency. We are taught to believe that, as we age, asking for help advances dependency when, in fact, the opposite is true. Asking for help (dependency) can create a secure and safe base from which to explore (independency).
If the dependency we need or express is for safety, predictability or connection, then non-binary — or what some call paradoxical thinking — opens us to the possibility that having those needs met leads to a more independent person. Paradoxical thinking adheres to a nonbinary both/and mindset. Nonbinary and paradoxical thinking allow us to consider that requests for help can increase our independency.
As we age, think of a world in which we accept both the full measure of living and dying, a world in which we are not caregivers but carepartners, a world in which we are not either ailing or healthy but are both. A world in which we are both dependent and independent and, finally, a world that is not about us versus them.
Nonbinary and paradoxical thinking are not always easy. In fact, they can be very difficult. Research, however, suggests that adopting non-binary or paradoxical thinking as we get older can have a significant positive effect on aging.
Acknowledging our capacities to both give and receive care (paradoxical/nonbinary thinking) recognizes who we are as both frail and strong imperfect human beings. That acknowledgement may stop us from projecting dependency onto the others in the us-versus-them binary.
And maybe, just maybe, there is only us!
John Heckel, Ph.D., is a member of the Senior News Community Advisory Council and a retired HSU theatre and film professor with a doctorate in psychology.
Email: jh2@humboldt.edu.
